


The Aftermath of Phobos 6

by Johanna_Luke



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 16:38:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14773275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Johanna_Luke/pseuds/Johanna_Luke
Summary: Being the Captain of a starship means having to deal with death more frequently than you'd like. As a young captain, Jim still isn't quite used to it and things go south when it reminds him of another situation. Luckily, Bones and Spock will always be there even if he thinks they shouldn't be.





	The Aftermath of Phobos 6

**Author's Note:**

> This may be the first work in a long running series of adventures involving the triumvirate in an established relationship. Honestly I'm not sure where that will go. I have an idea to try and write some of the Five Year mission adventures for AOS, but I'm also a grad student. 
> 
> I also haven't written fanfiction in YEARS so I hope you enjoy my first try after a long break.

Jim tapped his fingers incessantly on the arm of his chair. He’d been doing it long enough that it was starting to annoy the bridge crew, including him, but he couldn’t seem to stop. The constant tik tak of his fingers was just about the only thing keeping him from going insane, even if it was also driving everyone else insane. Even the gentle beeps and quiet murmurs going around the bridge weren’t enough to lull his mind into a calmer state.  
Phobos 6 had been a tough planet. Their mission had originally been very simple, really nothing that out of the ordinary. He and a small away team consisting of Spock and a couple security officers were to beam down and attend a dinner with the leaders of the society to keep up diplomatic relations. The mission went sour fast when an anti-Federation terrorist group decided to crash the party and take everyone hostage. Thanks to Scotty and Chekov’s quick transporter skills and a backup away team, he and Spock made it out with only minor injuries but most of the others weren’t so lucky. They were either vaporized on the spot or beginning an extended stay in med bay.  
Phobos 6 had taken five crewmembers from him and injured three more, but he got out with only a few scrapes and bruises.  
Tik tak tik tak tik tak  


 

Currently they were orbiting a small planet, scanning to see if there were any signs of life available. So far the planet was empty and almost featureless, save for a few mountain ranges. Most likely it would be a class D planet, unless anything interesting showed up. Jim almost hoped something did.  
Tik tak tik tak  
He let his eyes wander over to where Spock was working at the science station. Even if he knew it was from years of practice, sometimes he was jealous of the way Spock always seemed in control of what was going on in his head. It looked so much easier than his method of shoving it in a box and hoping for the best.  
Sometimes he wondered why he’d bothered to take the Captain’s chair and times like this just made it more apparent that maybe he hadn’t been ready. Spock was so much more qualified than him and yet somehow, he was the captain. Him, the reckless idiot trying to prove himself to a universe that usually didn’t care. He figured he was barely suited for leadership, he just had the bravado to convince people he was. People always seemed to die in his care.  
Tik tak tik tak tik tak tik tak  
“Captain, the scan is complete. This planet will most likely be classified as a class D.” Spock stood in front of him with his hands clasped neatly behind his back like always.  
Jim snapped back to reality and blinked at Spock, “Right. Ok. Have you finished mapping the surface for the report?”  
Spock raised an eyebrow slightly at Jim’s distracted answer, “It will be completed shortly Captain.” Jim felt a small wave of concern wash over him through the bond he and Spock shared.  
Tik tak tik tak tik tak  
The last person he wanted to concern was Spock, even though he knew he couldn’t hide anything from him. Besides the whole bond thing, Spock was basically a walking lie detector. They would need to talk eventually. And he would need to talk to Bones. Even without the lie detector ability Bones would be able to tell something was wrong. He always could.  
He knew he should talk to them because they would understand. They also had to deal with death as a part of their life, albeit in different ways.  
Tik tak tik tak tik tak tik tak  


 

The rest of the shift passed too quietly. The planet was mapped, reports were made, and Jim continued to drive his crew absolutely nuts by tapping on his chair. In that quiet, he’d decided that he could get through this on his own. He was the Captain and needed to be a strong face for his crew, especially those more affected by the deaths. It’s not like he hadn’t dealt with the death of his crew before. Something was gnawing in the back of his mind, just far enough out of reach that he couldn’t figure out what it was. But it would go away and he’d be back to himself in a few days. That’s how it always worked.  
He left the bridge a little too briskly, nearly running into the door of the turbolift before it opened. He knew Spock would be right behind him and he knew that he should probably talk about what was going on, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to put his pain on anyone else’s shoulders, least of all the men he loved.  
Those lost crew members had been someone’s friend, or lover, or sibling or child. Those were the ones who should be breaking down, not him. He needed to put on a brave face, find out who was affected and do what he could for them. A small nagging voice reminded him that if it wasn’t for him, they wouldn’t be in so much pain.  
Their pain was caused by him being too young and inexperienced to know when a situation was unstable and know how to stop it.  
As the turbolift doors closed he saw Spock following him but he was just a bit too late to make it into the turbolift with him. Once they had shut fully, Jim slumped against the wall with his hands clenched in fists to try and stop them from shaking.  
One deep breath. Then another. He was fine. He could do this. He would catch hell about leaving without Spock later but he’d be damned if Spock had to see him break down.  
One deep breath. Then another.  
The ship was too quiet. He walked to the mess hall, keeping his hands neatly behind his back as he walked and smiled at crew he passed. Spock eventually fell into step beside him, of course. Jim knew he’d never really be able to leave him behind.  
“Jim?” Spock’s voice was soft, with an unspoken question in it.  
One deep breath.  
Jim turned with a grin able to outshine the sun, “Yes Spock?”  
Spock raised an eyebrow, “I am aware that this is not an ideal time, but I believe something may be wrong. If you wish to talk, I am here.”  
Jim grinned again and lightly smacked Spock’s arm, “I’m fine, really. Just a little wound up from all this sitting around. Let’s go get something to eat, I’m sure you’re hungry after that shift.” He picked up his pace to walk a couple steps in front of Spock before entering the mess hall.  


 

It was loud which was good. Maybe the noise could drown out the thoughts in his head.  
“Jim!” Bones called from where he sat, his quick smile enough to chase away some of the darkness in Jim’s head.  
Jim waved before walking to the replicators and ordering something on autopilot. Food was food at this point since he wasn’t even sure how much he would be able to actually eat. He slid into the seat across from Bones and was surprised at the intense relief he felt when Spock chose to sit next to him rather than across from him. He hadn't even realized he didn't want to face him.  
Bones took a long drink of his water, “How was your shift?” His eyebrow was raised in a very pointed way, but Jim chose to ignore it.  
He smiled again but knew by the look on Bones’ face that it looked as empty as it felt. He was doing a terrible job of pretending nothing was wrong. Just one more thing he could add to the list of things he couldn’t do right.  
One deep breath.  
“It was fine. Little on the boring side though, thought I was going to go crazy with all the quiet. Planet scanned and mapped, another successful day on the Enterprise.” He quickly shoved whatever he’d ordered in his mouth as he felt the well of anxiety come up. Now was not the time. He couldn’t break down. Not in front of his crew and not in front of his boyfriends. Someone had to be strong for everyone else. He was a captain, death was just a part of the job. He would find out who the affected crew members were, provide his support, and move on. It didn’t matter that he had to watch his crew get vaporized. It didn’t matter that he could see how exhausted Bones was. It didn’t matter that it was his fault. He was fine.  
One deep breath. Then another.  
Bones pursed his lips and reached a hand across the table to gently hold onto Jim’s. They had agreed to keep their relationship as quiet as possible so this was definitely out of the ordinary and it made Jim feel like he was going to be sick. He didn’t want them to take care of him, he was the captain and would be fine.  
Bones softly rubbed his thumb over Jim’s knuckles, “Listen darlin, if something’s up you can talk to us. I get if you don’t want to do it here, but don’t let this eat you up.” The concern in Bones’ eyes made Jim’s breath catch. Why did they care about him so much? He was useless. He’d been useless in helping those crewmembers.  
Jim involuntarily started tapping his fingers on the table.  
Tik tak tik tak tik tak  
He forced a laugh, “Guys, I’m fine. I appreciate the concern, but I’m fine. You know I’d come to you if needed.” He let his voice get quiet, “Besides, I’ve dealt with this before.”  
Spock turned towards Jim, “Forgive me Captain, but I find it difficult to believe that you are, as you say, fine. The incident on Phobos 6 was not an easy one to handle and it has affected you. It is unwise to try to eliminate your reaction, you are human and require sufficient time to process your emotions.”  
“Yeah Jim, it was a rough day. I think everyone’s feeling something.” Bones squeezed his hand and gave him a small smile, “Even if you’ve dealt with it before, it’s still good to talk. Helps you clear it out of your head.”  
He felt the words bubbling up before he could stop them, “I said I was fine! Can’t you both just leave me alone?” He shoved another bite of food in his mouth, even if it tasted like what he’d imagine stale cardboard would taste like, and pulled his hand away from Bones to shove it into his lap. It was shaking again, but he wasn’t entirely sure it had stopped.  
Spock put a concerned hand on Jim’s thigh and it was as if he’d sent an electric shock through him. He clenched his teeth as his jaw began to tremble. He could feel his thoughts scattering into a thousand different directions, taking his breath with them. He swallowed hard in an attempt to shove all the anxiety and guilt back, but it wasn’t working. All of this was his fault. The grief of his crew, the concern of Spock and Bones, the fact that he just yelled at them, all of it was on him.  


 

He knew they were saying things to him, but he couldn’t hear them. All he could hear was a steady ringing noise and the sound of his heartbeat. He needed to get out of here and fast. He stood up, knocking his dishes around.  
“Jim? What’s wrong? Darlin, talk to me.” Bones reached a hand up.  
“Please Jim, we can help.” Spock rested a hand on Jim’s side.  
“No!” He yelled, knowing full well he’d regret this as he pulled away from Spock. “I said I was fine and that’s that! I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t need to talk about it, so leave me alone, and that’s an order.” He would definitely regret this, but it was too late now. He turned on his heel and nearly sprinted out of the mess hall. He didn’t even stop to see if they were following him, he just charged headlong towards his quarters. Tears pricked at his eyes as he went. Regardless of his rank, what he just did was uncalled for, but he couldn’t let them see him break. Another situation, maybe, but not for this. They dealt with way worse than he did, he didn’t deserve their concern. It was all his fault anyway.  
Once the doors to his quarters closed tight behind him, he locked the door so only Spock and Bones could get in. As much as he wanted to deal with it on his own, he couldn’t shut them out completely. He didn’t want to know what would happen if he shut them out completely.  
The tears came then, as he sat leaning against his door. Jim was shaking and crying and breaking down and he was all alone.

 

Spock and Bones sat in a stunned silence in the mess hall. Many of the other crew members had left, out of fear or respect, neither of them could tell.  
Spock cleared his throat and finally broke the silence, “this may be a time where disobeying orders is needed, Leonard.”  
Bones stood up and made for the exit, “for once we agree.”  
Being Vulcan, Spock was able to catch up quickly and the pair took off for Jim’s quarters. 

 

Jim stared blankly at the wall opposite him, trying desperately to slow down his breathing. He was still shaking as he slid and curled into a ball on the floor, his heart still racing in his ears. People had died because of him. Again. It was his fault. He couldn’t do enough.  
Images started flashing through his mind at a rapid pace, and it was slowly becoming evident to Jim why this had brought such a reaction.  
In one instant he saw Ensign Martinez slowly being turned to dust and heard his screams. The next he saw a kid whose name he couldn’t remember curled up dead from hunger.  
Another crew member dead, another kid dead. Another time Jim was in charge and couldn’t do enough to save the people that relied on him.  
He’d survived again for a reason he couldn’t fathom. He should have died and he didn’t. He got to come back, he got to deal with the aftermath, he got to be the one to live on.  
He tried to save them and he couldn’t. He was powerless, helpless, and alone yet somehow he got to live. It wasn’t fair.  


 

The lock on the door clicked open, but Jim couldn’t be bothered to look up. He could barely move beyond all his muscles trembling and the sobs that shook him. A small bloom of relief found purchase in his head because they had come for him. Maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t alone.  
“Oh darlin.” Bones’s voice was soft as he sat down with Spock right next to him. Jim could only guess that they hadn’t expected it to be this bad. He didn’t fight as Bones pulled him into his lap and kissed the top of his head because if he was being perfectly honest, he didn’t have any fight left in him. Spock was warm and comforting as he carefully leaned against the two of them and put his hand on Jim’s back.  
“I’m sorry,” Jim sobbed, “I shouldn’t have yelled but I didn’t want you to be worried but that was stupid and I’m sorry. I thought I could-” another round of sobs broke the end of his sentence. He knew now that this was not the same.  
Bones ran his fingers through his hair, “Shhh you’re ok. We can talk later. We’ve got you.”  
Spock was equally as gentle as reassurance flooded the bond, “We are here Jim.”  
He had no idea how long the three of them sat like that on his floor, only that when he finally started to calm down Bones had a huge wet spot on his shirt from his crying. Whoops.  
The flashbacks to Tarsus and Phobos started to subside and his breathing and heart rate slowly returned to something resembling a normal rate. He tried to pull away, but the other two weren’t having any of that. He opted to lift his head and finally look at them, “I’m sorry.”  
Bones kissed his cheek, “You’re only allowed to be sorry for yelling at us. You don’t need to be sorry for anything else.”  
Jim sighed, but knew the look on their faces meant that rule would hold true. He looked at Spock, “I’m guessing you’re going to say it’s only logical to only apologize for what I actually did wrong?”  
Spock nodded, “You cannot be sorry for what is outside of your control.” He leaned over and gently kissed Jim’s head to cement the point.  
Jim released the death grip he had on Bones’ shirt and laid his hand on top of Spock’s, “I should have said something, I just didn’t realize it would be so....bad. It’s not like I haven’t dealt with death before so I figured it would work itself out. The usual ‘why am I the captain and it’s my fault cause I’m young’ would go away and in a couple days I’d be alright.” He took a deep breath. Tarsus was not easy to talk about, especially with these two, because he knew the flare of caring it would bring and he still didn’t think he deserved it. “The attack on Phobos brought me back to being a kid on Tarsus. It didn’t hit right away and by the time it did I was too scared to say anything.” Then he waited as it was quiet.  


 

They both knew in different ways about what he’d suffered. Bones knew because of the many panic attacks he’d held him through in the academy and the little habits he’d never gotten rid of. The first time had been innocent enough as far as Bones was concerned. Bones found a couple stale slices of bread hidden in the closet and asked Jim about it. Jim had almost forgotten about the nightmare that made him hide them, but seeing them brought it right back. Bones had called into his rotation and missed his classes the next day to make sure Jim was alright.  
Spock had found out through the combination of their bond and Jim’s nightmares. He hadn’t asked directly, choosing instead to do his own research on what had happened on Tarsus IV. Jim was surprised one day to feel a huge wash of anger and asked Spock what had happened to cause it. It wasn’t everyday Spock decided to feel a big emotion. Eventually, he sat Bones and Spock down to tell them the whole story. Neither of them would sleep without him in their arms for a while after that.  
Bones pulled him back into his lap and Jim felt a splash on his shoulder. Spock wrapped an arm around his back and leaned his head onto his other shoulder. Jim took a deep breath and let their warmth chase away the last remaining dregs of guilt. He didn’t have to tell them he felt guilty for being alive to hear them say that he had every right to be. Bones would be gruff and tell him that he didn’t deserve to die any more than anyone else did and life was weird and sometimes you just had to accept that you were meant for something else. And Spock would be soft but firm and say that it’s illogical to feel guilty for something you had no control over.  


 

And he knew these were the same things they told themselves and the same things he would tell them if the roles were reversed.  
“Ashayam, it is late.” Spock started to stand and pulled Jim out of Bones’s lap. Jim made a noise of agreement, he was too tired to do much else.  
Bones stood and stretched, then leaned over Jim to kiss Spock. They worked together to get him out of his uniform and into pjs and Jim hummed happily as this was accompanied by soft kisses on his skin. Carefully he was laid down on the bed and each of them kissed his forehead.  
Sleepily, he watched as Bones and Spock shared a longer kiss before getting into pjs themselves. Bones laid down on one side of him and wrapped one arm around his waist and slid the other under his head. Spock did the same and the three of them fell asleep. Sometimes it was hard to feel loved and sometimes it was very easy.


End file.
